Let Sleeping Dogs Lie

 Risen up from the ashes like the noble phoenix (yes, just like Fawkes, lookin' at you, devoted HP fans), I am humbly returning to the blogosphere with no great reason for absence, other than there have been so many damn Real Housewives and Shahs of Sunset episodes to catch up on (can I get an 'Amen'?) Madeleine and I have been squatting at the home of AT and IK, gracious hostesses of Axis, while we wait for our new lease to begin later this month just around the riverbend at another Brickell pad with a sweet as pie new roomie, LM. Word on da street is that a pug named Fudge resides on the same floor of our new apartment, and I'm already having ethereal visions of the cavalier and the pug under the chuppah exchanging vows of everlasting devotion and long walks on Brickell Avenue together.

 After a rather tumultuous month, team Mon and Mads would like to present you with our new and improved selves. Mads received a rather cute puppy cut, so she is sleek like seal, and I accidentally lost 6% of my body weight after a particularly virulent stomach flu, so we are both livin' lean. I became an apprentice of the curling wand + heat-resistant Michael Jackson glove, thanks to my diligent teacher, MS, and may have even become a bit overzealous, as last night, upon seeing my hair, AT's perfect eyebrows shot up as she suggested that I was approaching Texas status, so it may be time to dial back. In other news, the administration gods at my workplace decided this little 25 year-old flea is fit for looking after pediatric transplant patients, so I got a snazzy new job description and much more facetime with nuggets who just got new livers and kidneys. Bribing them to eat with jewelry has become my motus operandi, and I'm not sorry. I've hired an extremely celebrated interior decorator, WPK, who is taking time out of her life as an MBA, French poet, Peace Corps activitist, and fashion model, among other job titles, to help make my new room my sanctuary and to discourage me from buying 18,000 dollar mirror panels. I will attempt to make the neutral furniture palettes a "Madeleine's dirty paw-free zone" but I daresay that would be a silly proclamation, as she somehow finds a way to leave a trail of dirt/eye boogers on most surfaces. I was featured as a guest blogger on Elizabeth Fulton's adorable blog, Gumption, (http://ellieannfulton.blogspot.com/2014/01/5-easy-tips-for-eating-healthier-now.html) as I spewed nutrition advice to her South African readership. Sorry I said "spew", but given the events of my illness this weekend, it only seems appropriate. I'd say life is pretty swell, except that platform sneakers are still en vogue.

  In honor of the gastroentertitis that nearly cost me a 20,000 dollar trip to the ER, I would like to provide you with a nice little cheat sheet entitled "What to Eat at 3:30 AM when you wake up with a stomach virus and are praying for death's sweet release":

1. Hydrate. Water is fine, but I know it can make you even more nauseous, so diluted Gatorade to half strength, Pedialyte, or Coconut water are excellent. You'll need to drink until your pee is clear, and then some. Sips > chugging.

2. When you can finally bring yourself to eat, you'll be on a low-residue diet, which means nothing gets to hang out and party in your intestines. You can have small amounts at a time of:

applesauce, bananas, white bread (toast), white crackers, white matzoh, white bagels, chicken noodle soup, white pasta, white potatoes (no butter), white rice, grilled chicken (not cooked in butter), strained/cooked fruits without seeds or skins.

3. Avoid (trust me):

 Caffeine, alcohol, artificial sweeteners, butter, dairy, chocolate, anything fatty, fried, greasy, fibrous (beans, roughage, raw fruits and vegetables), nuts, seeds, popcorn.

4. As you begin to feel better, you can begin adding things like creamy peanut butter, grilled fish, steamed vegetables (not broccoli, brussel sprouts, beans, or cauliflower) and take it from there. Best of luck.

My nurses this past weekend, guest appearance by Vienna, queen sausage of Pinecrest

Happily Ever After,

Mon and Mads